Fun

Dutch clinical psychologists have announced the release of a computer program that allegedly does psychotherapy. I was amused to see them claim that the system, called MindMentor, is the first of its kind:

Two clinical psychologists associated with the Institute for Eclectic Psychology in Holland, Jaap Hollander and Jeffrey Wijnberg, have developed the first robot psychologist, named "MindMentor." MindMentor is an online computer program that helps people solve problems and achieve goals. It has the unique quality, as compared with other on line psychological help systems, of requiring no live human intervention and being completely automated. Said Hollander in an interview with a Dutch radio program: "What made this whole endeavor exciting, was that we suddenly saw a possibility to create an unlimited amount of psychological help."

Unlimited, but not free. If you visit the system (at MindMentor.com), you discover that this psychologist charges about ten bucks an hour. That's cheap for a psychologist, but infinitely more expensive than his competition. If you're an Emacs user, just type "M-x doctor" and enjoy a free session that lasts as long as you like. Maybe the Emacs version is more primitive, but it would be very interesting to see someone do a study to see what its "success" rate is, using the same definition as the Dutch researchers use for their system.

And, of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask the obvious question: when androids dream, what is the significance of the electric sheep?

Continuing my occasional theme of poking fun at the Federal Register (see this post and this one), here's another fascinating bit of insight into our weird republic:

Quarterly Update to Annual Listing of Foreign Government Subsidies on Articles of Cheese Subject to an In-Quota Rate of Duty

Section 702 of the Trade Agreements Act of 1979 (as amended) (``the Act'') requires the Department of Commerce (``the Department'') to determine, in consultation with the Secretary of Agriculture, whether any foreign government is providing a subsidy with respect to any article of cheese subject to an in-quota rate of duty, as defined in section 702(h) of the Act, and to publish an annual list and quarterly updates of the type and amount of those subsidies. We hereby provide the Department's quarterly update of subsidies on articles of cheese that were imported during the period July 1, 2007 through September 30, 2007.

You can read the full text here, but even after doing that, I'm left wondering: exactly what is an "article of cheese"? I'm pretty sure this posting would count as an article about cheese, but I don't receive any foreign subsidies, so hopefully The Act (as amended) won't require The Department to list dovdox.com next year.

Today's crop of biomedical news included this little nugget of dark irony, courtesy of Science Daily:

There are currently no standards of color choice for hospitals using color-coded wristbands, and each hospital has a different set of colors for different indications. This lack of standardization creates the potential for errors. For example, some hospitals have used yellow to signify “Do Not Resuscitate,” leading to several near-misses with patients wearing yellow Lance Armstrong “Livestrong” bracelets. If a standard color choice existed for DNR orders, the potential for errors with either personal patient wristbands or those used by hospitals would be averted.

Boy, that's a serious fashion faux pas.

In a move sure to annoy Borat, the US Postal Service just proposed "Revised Standards for Mailing Adult Fowl":

The Postal Service proposes new requirements for containers used for mailing adult chickens. Currently, we require all mailable adult fowl other than chickens to be mailed in containers approved by the manager of Mailing Standards. With this proposal, we intend to require adult chickens to be mailed in approved containers also.

I'm sure other readers will have the same thought I did on seeing this announcement: mailable adult fowl? What are my options here? Back in my single days, could I have mailed a rooster to some young lass ("Enclosed, find my cock")? Does the mafia send a fowl and a leech to deliver subtle threats ("Duck, sucker")? And is Parcel Post the homing pigeon's real secret?

Helpfully, the postal service includes its proposed revisions to 39 CFR Part 111 (the Domestic Mail Manual):

601.9.3.4 .3.4 Adult Fowl
Disease-free adult fowl are mailable domestically when shipped under applicable law in accordance with 601.1.7. Adult chickens, turkeys, guinea fowl, doves, pigeons, pheasants, partridges, and quail as well as ducks, geese, and swans are mailable as follows...

They go on to explain that the packages have to be sent Express Mail, and that "indemnity may be paid only for loss, damage, or rifling, and not for death of the birds in transit..." So you can get reimbursed if someone rifles through your swan. I'm glad to hear that, because all of my credit card numbers are stored in there.

Wednesday's posting was more political than my usual, and this one will be much sillier. If it looks like I'll be making a habit of these digressions, I'll implement the "Categories" feature of this blog, so readers can filter the posts according to their tastes. Right now, though, I think these are just isolated incidents. We will return to our regular programming soon.

Gift Registry

Every weekday, the US Government Printing Office publishes a new issue of the Federal Register, a tome hundreds of pages long, documenting the latest activities of our government's branches and agencies. Regular readers of this publication are a hardy breed. Just skimming the several pages of the table of contents can occupy a very dull quarter hour, and the Register, while peerless in sheer output, favors a much denser writing style than more sensationalist daily publications like the New York Times, the Washington Post, or, for that matter, the Journal of Chemical Physics.

With diligent panning, though, this river of bureaucratic sediment yields an occasional nugget of insight, hinting at some new, previously hidden facet of the scale, complexity, or downright strangeness of our vast republic. Consider the 62-page feature article from the Department of State in the August 9th issue.

Sandwiched between the predictable "Colombia; Andean Counterdrug Initiative Section; illicit crops; aerial eradication certification," and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's stringer "Agency information collection activities; proposals, submissions, and approvals," we have the real news: "Office of Protocol; Gifts to Federal Employees from Foreign Government Sources Reported to Employing Agencies in Calendar Year 2005; Notice."

Gifts say a great deal about the givers, and some of the recent presents to our leaders are disquieting. Is there something sexual about the Prime Minister of Singapore giving our President a foot massager? Was Tony Blair attempting sarcasm with a waffle-knit sweater? And why did Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko give our allegedly teetotaling executive a bottle of Muscat (which was subsequently "handled pursuant to Secret Service policy").

Perhaps more disturbing are the weapons, including a sword, a dagger, and a flintlock pistol from the leaders of Yemen, the Slovak Republic, and Bulgaria, respectively. Does the world believe America is poorly armed? What does that mean for our national security?

The President appears to be taking no chances, having stored all of the new armaments in the Foreign Archives, no doubt next to First Pooch Barney's bed (thirty-by-twenty-one-inch leather dog bed, with a yellow and hunter green plaid cushion, courtesy of the Sultan of Brunei). If the Secret Service falls asleep on the job, perhaps after using the Ukrainian Muscat to wash down that Dean and Deluca "Consumables" basket from Qatar, George W. can defend his castle himself, Bulgarian flintlock in hand, Slovakian dagger in belt, and Scottish terrier at side.

Dick Cheney will be able to back him up, too, with a "Scimitar 308 Winchester Presentation Rifle with engraved barrel and Night force 3.5x15-50 scope" from the King of Jordan, a gift of obvious utility but questionable wisdom, given the Vice President's recent safety record on the shooting range. Perhaps the scope will improve his accuracy.

Further down the Executive branch, we are more vulnerable. Ironically, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld makes a habit of giving his weapons (sword from the Prime Minister of Iraq, musket from the President of Pakistan) to the General Services Administration, the civil servants' equivalent of the Goodwill store.

The Department of Energy, however, is clearly planning something big. Among the gifts Samuel Bodman, the department's Secretary, has received, we find a "Hinged Lidded Wood Box With Magnifying Glass Tied Inside Lid ... With "The Art Of War" Text In English, Pair Of White Fabric Gloves, Map Printed On Leather." In other words, everything one needs to bootstrap a Napoleonic rise to power. Ominously, this complete kit (from China) was retained "for Official Use." Perhaps it goes with the chess board (from Brazil) and sword (from Saudi Arabia), which the Secretary of Energy apparently also plans to use.

Our intelligence agencies are a bit harder to read. John D. Negroponte, Director of National Intelligence, received everything from an Arabian-style dagger to a sterling silver cigarette box last year, but the givers of these items are identified uniformly as "The National Security Act of 1947, 50 U.S.C. 403-(1)(i) as amended."

The CIA takes this Secret Santa approach a step further, classifying both the givers and receivers of three gifts. The three items together virtually write themselves into a romantic set for the next James Bond film: him in a gentleman's Piaget 18 karat yellow gold and diamond wristwatch, her in a contemporary 14-karat yellow gold ruby, sapphire and diamond three-piece ensemble with bracelet, earrings, and matching pendant with chain, and them together on a Nain silk rug, 4 feet 10 inches by 3 feet, modern, with a windowpane field enclosing stylized rows and flowering branches.

Who are the bejeweled male and female agents on the stylized rug? The Vice President could probably tell you. But then, of course, he'd have to kill you - and he has just the equipment to do it.